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Previous Newsletters
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Why Do Marriages
Fail?
What follows are ten
of the most common mistakes I have found couples to make in their
marriages.
1. Over functioning
I frequently see couples in which one partner is working a lot harder
than the other. The bottom line is each partner has to do their 50%
for a relationship to work. It may give you a false sense of security
to do more than your 50% but results show this to be ineffective. More
isn’t better in relationships. You can learn how much is helpful and
how much is hurtful.
2.
Confusing Individual and Couple Issues
Once we are
happy and complete individuals we are then in a good place for a great
relationship. If we don’t work enough on ourselves we may be tempted to
look to our partners to fill in the gaps in our lives – which will drain
our relationship.
3.
Naïve Expectations
Many of us
have the expectation that love is something that should happen to us –
it’s our entitlement. When our partner doesn’t deliver what we feel
entitled to we feel angry and cheated. We think if we have to do
something to get the love we want then it must be the wrong kind of
love.
4. Expressing Needs and Desires in Ineffective Ways
Needs and
desires do need to be expressed. Your partner is not a mind reader. We
can learn to express our needs and desires in ways where we not only
have them met but enhance our relationships in so doing.
5
Personality Overhaul
I have
frequently heard one partner say to the other, “This is who I am. I
can’t change. If you don’t like me the way I am you shouldn’t have
married me.” Changing one’s personality has never been needed to
greatly improve one’s relationship. Changes in behavior is all that is
needed.
6
Thinking Win – Lose
Win – Lose
situations occur most frequently when a couple disagrees. One (or both)
partners think they are “right” and the other is “wrong.” They then try
to get their partner to think and feel as they do. This is fruitless.
Your partner is not a clone of you. I have never seen trying to make
one’s partner think and feel as they do produce any good results.
7.
Seeing Disagreement as Abnormal
Many couples
seem to feel that they should agree on most things. In two decades as a
couples therapist I have not found this to be true. Couples disagree
frequently. Disagreement is normal. Couples need to learn how to
handle disagreement.
8. Lack
of Skill
When two
people say “I do” they are beginning an experience for which they have
had no preparation whatsoever.
Relationship skills
are not taught in school. Most couples don’t feel their parents were
great role models either. Thus when couples first enter treatment, I
frequently encounter frustrated people who have tried hard to improve
their relationship. However, because they lack effective tools and/or
possess unrealistic expectations, they haven’t made any progress. By
mastering a few essential skills and developing realistic expectations,
couples can work smarter, not harder and get excellent results.
9.
Taking Partner for Granted
Research
indicates that people tend to act in selfish ways toward their loved
ones. In fact, research findings show that many of us show more
kindness and consideration to total strangers than we do to our
partners!
10. Focus
We tend to
focus on negative experiences far more than the positive ones. Many
have unfortunately decided their marriages were hopeless based on past
unpleasant experiences without ever trying to change their
relationship. Relationships can improve immensely if each partner does
their part. Many unfortunately find the idea of having to do something
to improve their relationship unappealing. My experience shows it is
well worth the effort. The vast majority of couples I have seen, after
receiving basic couple counseling, have stated their relationship became
what they wanted after learning a few simple skills.
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Aspire Newsletter
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Suggestions for
Family and Friends of People with Eating Disorders
Suggestions for
family
The following
suggestions are for families who have already been in treatment and are
generalizations intended for follow up. Please consult you own
therapist for follow up for your particular situation. These
suggestions are in no way intended as a replacement for appropriate
therapy.
· Family members should
take care of their own issues. The identified patient should not be
involved in anyone’s issues but their own.
· Encourage your child to
go about their own age-appropriate activities.
· Family rules should
change with time to accommodate the children’s changing needs
· Family members should be
encouraged to express their own thoughts and feelings. Avoid ascribing
thoughts and feelings to family members. Everyone should speak for
themselves.
· Communication should be
direct
· The family should see
disagreement and feelings of anger as normal. Problem solving skills
are needed here, not pressure to agree or avoid expression of feelings.
· Give attention for
accomplishments rather than physical appearance
Suggestions for
friends
Friends of those
with an eating disorder frequently ask how to show concern in a helpful
way. I frequently hear friends say how frustrating it is for them to
try and be helpful, only to find their efforts driving their friend away
and not aiding their friend’s problems.
Here are a few suggestions.
· Tell the person that you
care, are concerned, and would like to help.
· Suggest that the person
seek professional help from a medical doctor and a therapist
· Friends have found it
helpful to speak of their own experience rather than be judgmental.
This can be done by making “I” rather than “you” statements.
Examples of “I”
statements would be:
·
“I’m concerned that your health
could be in danger.”
·
“I miss the fun we used to have
working out together, but for now I can’t work out with you.” I feel
like I’m encour-aging you to hurt yourself.”
ExaExamples of
“you” statements would be:
· “You are too thin.”
· “You aren’t eating
enough.”
The causes
of eating disorders are multifaceted. Environments, personalities,
biochemistry, and family background can all play a role. The sooner
treatment is sought, the better. The longer the disorder goes without
treatment, the more deeply entrenched the destructive thoughts and
behaviors can become. This usually makes it more difficult to overcome
the disorder. Relatives, friends, or other professionals (family
physician, dentist, teacher, etc.) may all have the opportunity to help
someone with an eating disorder get help. Many people with eating
disorders are treatment resistant. Persistent caring and encourage-ment
can help the ill person to get help.
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Recent
Newspaper article: Getting Your Relation Off to a Great Start
by Ellen Deckoff, LCSW
After almost two decades of providing couples therapy, a few patterns
have become apparent to me. When a couple begins a relationship they are
embarking on an experience for which most people are unprepared.
Relationships skills have not been something traditionally taught in
school: most people don’t feel that their parents were great role models
either. Most individuals enter relationships with good intentions but
little knowledge about what works, and sometimes with some unrealistic
expectations. Thus, when clients first enter treatment I frequently
encounter frustrated people who insist they’ve been working very hard to
improve their relationships. However, because they lack the right tools
or possess unrealistic expectations, they haven’t made any progress.
Nevertheless, I’ve consistently found that by mastering a few essential
skills and developing realistic expectations, couples can work smarter,
not harder and get excellent results.
I would like to offer some basic principles I’ve found to be effective
in couples therapy. In a follow up article I will offer some practical
suggestions for getting your relationship off on the right foot. More in
depth discussion of these principles can also be found in "Helping
Couples Change – A Social Learning Approach to Marital Therapy" by
Richard Stuart.
1. The Change First Principle
Often, during difficult times, both partners can feel that since they
have suffered due to problems in the relationship, the other should be
the first to initiate change in order to get the relationship back on
track. If both partners feel this way, thus waiting for the other to
make the first move, issues will never get off the ground.
Make a commitment to be the first to do what is best for the
relationship. Don’t wait for the other person to make the first move
towards doing what is helpful. Plow ahead with what you feel would be
helpful, even if it isn’t reciprocated right away.
A wonderful relationship isn’t something that happens to you. Wonderful
relationships require you to do your part. You will need to contribute
your 50% towards the changes you want. If you want a more loving
relationship ask yourself first what you can change in yourself to
elicit what you want from your partner, rather than demanding it.
2. Act "As If"
When you act "as if" good things will happen in response to your
efforts, they are much more likely to occur. The opposite is also true.
If you expect things to go poorly, you will act in ways that support
this. Your expectations act like an architect, creating the changes you
want by converting thoughts to actions. The old saying, "you get what
you expect" appears to be true. Studies show that we tend to act out
what we think. If you enter a situation thinking "this won’t go well,"
chances are it won’t. If you entertain the possibility that things can
improve, and act "as if" they can, then you are more likely to change
your behaviors in ways that will make it happen.
3. Change Occurs in Small Steps
It is unrealistic to expect major changes quickly. Changes in your
relationship will occur gradually in bits and pieces. Thus, you would be
wise to seek solutions one step at a time. If, for example, you feel you
need better financial organization, start with that area first. After
you organize the area of money matters then move on to how to keep your
place cleaner, then supporting each others schedules, etc.
4. Behaviors Change Feelings
It is common for couples entering therapy to say, "I’ll behave
differently when I feel differently." Actually, it’s the other way
around. In order to feel differently we need to change our behaviors
first. Our feelings towards others are based on the way they treat us.
Warm feelings are usually not created by one’s partner saying they are a
caring person, but by one’s partner acting in caring ways.
Despite the dismal statistics indicating that roughly half of marriages
end in divorce, all but a small percentage of the population still
eventually marry. Thus it appears that marriage and family life continue
to be highly valued. At the other end of the spectrum, marital breakup
has enormous consequences – emotionally, physically and financially. It
makes great sense therefore to familiarize yourself with what does and
doesn’t work in relationships.
Recent
Newspaper article: Maintaining a Great Relationship
by Ellen Deckoff, LCSW
If you have already taken steps toward keeping your relationship happy
and satisfying, you are part of a select group. Although there are
couples who would be better off apart, there are many couples who simply
don’t realize that it is normal for problems to come up in all
relationships. Most people, upon encountering relationship problems, do
one of two things, neither of which works very effectively. The first
group chooses to live a less than fully satisfying life in a problematic
relationship. Sadly, I have found that many fall into this category
simply because they never learned how to deal with common couples
issues. The second group would rather switch than fight. Many who choose
this route could also have greatly improved their relationships had they
learned how to handle common couple issues. For those who choose to
leave their partner upon encountering difficult times, the same problems
frequently recur in subsequent relationships. I feel it is better to get
the skills you need for a healthy relationship sooner rather than later.
Once a couple makes a joint commitment to do their respective parts to
improve their relationship, they can enjoy the excitement and novelty of
experiencing each other in new and different ways. But this is only the
first phase. The second phase consists of maintaining the changes they
have made. Some couples lose the improvements they have achieved because
they let their attention drift from what has helped them, or because
they take the changes for granted. It is important to put the same
effort into the maintenance of relationship changes as you did when you
were working on making the changes for the first time. If you do, you
can enjoy all the present pleasure and optimism you are experiencing for
the next ten or twenty years.
Do’s and Don’ts of Maintaining a Great Relationship
People stay where they have the most pleasure. If one prefers to be at
work rather than home, it may be because they have a more pleasurable
experience there. If you want more time with your partner, shift your
focus to ways in which to improve the quality of your interactions,
rather than being angry at not getting what you want. For one to want to
stay in a relationship, the pro’s must outweigh the cons. Thus attention
needs to be given to the ways in which you keep a high level of
satisfaction for each other.
The following list of Do’s and Don’ts provides some behaviors and
patterns to pursue or avoid in order make your relationship the best it
can be. Rules and expectations need to be expressed openly so each
partner feels maximum freedom. For example, if you both agree that
Wednesdays and Saturdays are for your couple time, then you are free to
pursue your individual activities the rest of the week without worry.
Realize that no act is completely reversible. Behaviors can become
smaller with time if the couple makes positive changes, but they are
never completely forgotten. Therefore, before any action is taken, one
should ask themselves, "Is this a positive action that will move our
relationship forward?"
Do talk about the things you want to change, what you each need to do to
make things better.
Do make long range goals. Long range goals provide a sense of commitment
and direction over time. They help you avoid getting lost in daily
problems and can often help you to act in more helpful ways with short
term stresses. Goals should be both couple goals and individual goals in
which you support each other (e.g., returning to school for your degree
and having your partner watch the kids while you’re in class).
Don’t spend time criticizing each other.
Do the little things that show caring day to day. Don’t get stuck in
working so hard on the "big issues" that you forget to do the things
that keep quality in your relationship. If you forget to do this your
relationship can become lackluster.
Don’t expect your partner to feel like you. It is perfectly normal for
others to have different feelings and perceptions of events we
experience together. After all, we all come from unique backgrounds and
have different experiences so we will see things our own way. Don’t
expect the other person to be a clone of you. Avoid the misconception
that in order to have a great relationship you both have to feel the
same.
Do express what you want in a caring, positive way. I have never found
it helpful for couples to point out who did what when things went wrong.
Blaming and criticism don’t solve problems and don’t create warm
feelings towards each other. This may be difficult to do at first, as
many seem to be accustomed to being critical rather than constructive
when attempting to make suggestions for change. Do be patient with
yourself and each other. This practice will be worth it. It could be the
best emotional investment you’ll ever make.
Don’t try to do the other person’s part in making a relationship work.
(This is sometimes called "overfunctioning.") Relationships are not like
work, sports or other areas of our lives where the harder we work the
more results we see. In relationships we can only do our fifty percent.
We have to be met half way if the relationship is going to work.
Do understand that a great relationship is not something that happens to
you. You are part of making it happen. There is nothing wrong with your
relationship if you have to be part of making it satisfying for you
both.
Don’t put the burden of responsibility for change on the other. Although
it is natural to see ourselves as the victims and our partner as the
instigator, finger pointing serves only to create defensiveness. When we
blame we stay stuck. What works much better is to say to ourselves: "How
can I change myself to get more of what I want?"
Do stress solving problems in the present (don’t get caught up in the
past). Trying to figure out how the problem at hand originated ("who
started it") is not helpful because often you usually can’t prove this
and more importantly, it directs attention away from what’s really
important – resolving the issue.
Don’t allow anger to get the better of you or your relationship. There
is no place in a great relationship for accusations or threats. Always
express respect for the other person when communicating displeasure with
their actions. When your partner expresses anger, instead of reacting
with your own anger, acknowledge his/her feelings (in a non-patronizing
way) and then refocus the anger on how the two of you can better handle
whatever caused the anger in the future.
Do seek solutions in small steps. Remember to address issues one at a
time, sequentially, rather than all at once. If you try to deal with
multiple issues at the same time you will lose focus and progress will
be difficult. Hold your requests for change until your partner is done,
so you don’t make your partner feel disqualified.
Don’t forget to express gratitude for progress made. Avoid the
bottomless pit phenomenon. Couples frequently forget to acknowledge when
their partner "delivers" some of the things they asked for. Instead they
plow ahead with additional requests. People don’t do this with strangers
or acquaintances! Typically if you ask a neighbor for a favor, you thank
them for their effort rather than asking them to do several more favors.
Don’t forget to give each other the common courtesies you would give a
casual acquaintance.
Think Win-Win. I have never seen good results from the Win-Lose approach
– where one uses coercion to achieve goals at the expense of the other.
With the Win-Win approach, each member of the couple pursues actions and
attitudes that are best for the relationship rather than for themselves,
and this selflessness actually leads to personal gain. When you
disagree, stay focused on the issue, not on squelching the other
(proving they’re wrong). See yourself as part of a problem solving team
– the problem is "out there" – your partner isn’t the problem because
he/she disagrees with you. Put your heads together and discuss solutions
to the problem. Do try to defeat the problem; don’t try to defeat the
other person because they disagree with you.
A few words of caution Being skeptical is normal; this does not mean
change is not desired or that your partner doesn’t care. Once you both
learn new skills that lead to an improved relationship, testing these
new behaviors can frequently be expected from your partner. An example
of this would be if after you both agreed to be supportive of each
other’s business trips (which usually last 2-3 days), your partner
suddenly plans a trip which lasts a full week. This is not necessarily a
bad thing. It is your partner’s way of seeing whether the improvements
are going to be permanent or only temporary. Testing is a way to
determine if the changes are genuine or not. Testing behavior is not an
attempt by your partner to sabotage the improvements you have made.
Rather, it shows your partner’s desire for change and his/her need to
know the changes will endure.
Relationships change with time due to changing desires of the couple as
well as from external changes. Thus it is healthy to discuss ways to
support the changes that occur with time. Please remember that good
relationships don’t happen magically on their own. Good relationships
are the result of a couple knowing how to give each other the things
they value most.
Aspire Newsletter
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The Parent-Athlete Relationship
Having a child who is driven to succeed in sport can require an enormous
investment in time, money and emotion. Your roles seem endless. You’re
chaperone and chauffeur; you pack and unpack for practice and
competitions. You try to do all this while meeting the needs of the rest
of the family. Most of all, your child athlete relies on you for
emotional support. You share the inevitable ups and downs. How this
important partnership is handled can either strengthen or hurt the
relationship between parent and athlete, as well as affect the
youngster’s enjoyment and self-esteem. What follows are some useful
facts and suggestions which can help the well meaning parent play
his/her role in the best possible way so the young athlete can get the
most out of the sports experience.
Research shows that youngsters participate in sport for some combination
of the following reasons:
1) To have fun
2) To be with friends
3) To satisfy needs for challenge, risk taking, and excitement
4) To increase feelings of competence
5) To learn new skills
6) To try out the activity and decide if they like it
These motivating factors should be kept in mind. If your daughter gives
up on dance or gymnastics after only a few lessons it may not mean that
she is a quitter. It may simply mean she was trying the activity her
friends seem to love….only to realize it is not for her. If your son
gives up on tennis lessons after several discouraging experiences, he
may not be getting the feelings of competence that he was seeking. Some
experimentation is needed to find out what one likes and feels competent
doing. This is different from your daughter no longer wanting to pursue
a sport she was once passionate about.
For the most part, however, this article is aimed at the parents of
children who have wholeheartedly embraced some sport. A very nice
treatment of these issues appears in a book by Murray Smith entitled,
"Mental Skills for the Artistic Sports: Developing Emotional
Intelligence" (Johnson Gorman Publishers, Red Deer Alberta Canada,
1998). An audiotape by Dr. Alan Goldberg entitled "Help Your
Child/Athlete Feel and Perform like a Winner" is available from
Competitive Advantage, Amherst MA). Here are some suggestions that will
enable parents to help their child athletes derive benefits from
participating in sports that go far beyond trophies and championships.
1. Strive for balance – Involvement in sport should be enjoyable to the
young athlete; above all the experience should please the
participant…not the parent or the coach. No one continues anything that
is only painful. Sports, like anything else in life, must provide
pleasure to be pursued.
Part of keeping sports enjoyable is keeping a balance in one’s life.
Young athletes should be encouraged to maintain other interests. A wide
range of experiences helps to develop social and emotional maturity, can
stimulate creativity, and helps keep one’s child fresh and enthusiastic.
It also reminds us that sport is a part of life, not life itself.
2. Build self-esteem – Self-esteem grows in response to getting positive
feedback. Give compliments for things your youngster is handling well.
Praise them for hanging in there until they work out a problem or for
helping a teammate. This kind of feedback helps improve one’s self-image
and supports learning valuable life skills.
3. Encourage a healthy definition of success Success should not be
defined in terms of winning. This sort of narrow definition leaves one
vulnerable to burnout. Instead, help your youngster define success as
gradually improving his or her own level of competence, as moving closer
to their personal goals. This definition encourages one to stay with it,
to continue to work at improving oneself.
4. Support personal, realistic goals - Your youngster should be
encouraged to form his or her own goals in collaboration with you, the
parent, and with his/her instructor or coach. The child is not an
extension of the parent or anyone else and should be involved for his or
her own reasons. Coaches can check to see if the goals are
realistic in terms of the child’s ability and time frames. When goals
are realistic they
are achievable. Achievement provides positive feedback that enhances
self-image and keeps motivation high.
5. Frame errors positively – Help your child understand that making
errors is part of learning. Frame errors as opportunities to learn and
improve. Help your child main-tain their focus on their goals and to use
information from errors to help achieve their goals.
6. Create a supportive environment – Your role is to provide support.
Being supportive does not mean pushing and pressuring. Talk together as
a family about what is and isn’t helpful. Encourage empathy in siblings.
For example, a sibling who is very aggressive may have difficulty
under-standing his brother’s fear of falling or other-wise hurting
himself.
It’s a good idea to have occasional family meetings to discuss issues
among all family members. Encourage your child athlete to define what
kind of behavior they find supportive. Encourage siblings to talk about
how they feel. See if there is any jealousy or resentment toward the
child athlete. Review time management and financial matters with your
partner as needed. Family meetings are a chance for everyone to be
heard. When issues are discussed and solutions sought, the family
becomes a source of comfort and support, rather than of stress.
Aspire Newsletter
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Couples Corner
The Four Most Common
Relationship Mistakes
The following are the four most common mistakes I have found in my
experience that people do to hurt their relationships.
Mind reading – Mind reading refers to those situations where we expect
others to know (without telling them) what would make us happy. Don’t
assume others know what pleases you unless you know yourself! I have
noticed in my eighteen years of practice that many people are expert
complainers. That is, they are very good at pointing out to their loved
ones what they are doing wrong, what’s not working or what’s missing. If
I then say, "O.K., we know what isn’t working, now let’s talk about what
would work," the response is generally, "Gee, I don’t know," or silence.
Yet the expectation is that our loved ones should know how to please us
when we haven’t even identified what needs to be different in order for
positive change to occur.
Expecting others to think and feel as we do - It is perfectly normal for
others to have different feelings and perceptions of events we
experience together. After all, we all come from unique backgrounds and
have different experiences so we will see things our own way. Don’t
expect the other person to be a clone of you. Avoid the misconcep-tion
that in order to have a great relationship we have to feel the same.
Overfunctioning - We try to do the other person’s part in making a
relationship work. Relationships are not like work, sports or other
areas of our lives where the harder we work the more results we see. In
relationships we can only do our fifty percent. We have to be met half
way if the relationship is going to work.
Blaming - We put the burden of responsibility for change on the other.
We see ourselves as victims. Finger pointing creates defensiveness. When
we blame we stay stuck. What works much better is to say to ourselves:
"How can I change myself to get more of what I want?"
Family Corner
Is My Child a Liar?
Parents frequently overreact when they hear their young child tell his
first lie. Young children do lie occasionally; this is not an indication
that this little person will grow up to be dishonest. A child’s
understanding of right and wrong is at a different level of development
than ours. For children age five and under, a lie can be a way to get
attention, it may be a fantasy, or, if feeling afraid, it can be an
attempt to avoid punishment.
If there is a problem, focus on a solution rather than on blame. For
example, "The juice spilled. It doesn’t matter who did it. Let’s figure
out what to do to clean it up quickly and get more so the party starts
on time," rather than ask questions about who spilled the juice. Asking,
"Who did this" creates fear and often invites more lying.
If your child comes home with a fantasy like: "I saw Johnny jump over
his house," keep your sense of humor. Don’t label the fantasy a lie.
Instead, try "that story sounds like make-believe. I bet you wish you or
Johnny really could jump over a house!"
Compliment and give attention for telling the truth. Give attention
spontaneously so your child doesn’t feel he has to create stories to get
your attention.
Handling Stress &
Improving Concentration
Psychological research has shown that people react very differently
to stressful events such as the loss of a job or relationship. One can
see examples of this every day as people respond very differently to the
challenges in their lives. From this perspective, the term stress is
better used to refer to how one reacts to events, rather than to the
actual events themselves.
Stressful
situations involve an interaction between a challenging situation and an
individual’s style of coping. Tension is created by how one reacts to
situations, not the situations themselves. Events may be experienced as
stressful because they make demands we are not prepared to handle.
Relaxing under pressure is a learnable skill. Your talent and hard work
won’t
show if you become too stressed. Excessive stress can cause:
-Memory loss
-Muscle tension
-Restricted movement
-Decreased concentration
-Nausea
-Reduced endurance
You don’t have to be
vulnerable to such stress. Just as you create your own
stress, you are also able to create your own relaxation.
You will learn mental skills that help you to:
-Relax before and
during stressful situations
-Improve concentration
-Feel positive and confident
-Effectively handle mistakes
-Realize your potential
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